Scout

I never expected to be so nuts about a pet. My new dog, Scout, is so perfect for me that I wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t found each other! This dog is nothing short of a miracle.

A little background : when I moved in with my daughter several years ago she had rescued a dog who had been dumped on the side of the road by a, practically, moving car. It’s beyond words how a person could treat another being this way but that’s for another post, perhaps. Anyway, this dog was a chihuahua/pug, a female, who had just had puppies. It took my daughter weeks to nurse Cheyenne back to health. The precious little thing was being devoured by fleas, she was thirsty and hungry but wouldn’t eat and you could tell, traumatized, and no wonder.

When I moved in she became my best friend. She was the sweetest, most gentle, loving creature I have ever known. It is impossible for me to describe the virtues of Cheyenne. Just understand that I have never known any other living being so precious.

A few years later we also rescued a chihuahua and Minnie was a darling, too. She was older and was like the little cranky old aunt or grandma everyone knows and loves. She and Cheyenne spent every minute with each other, sleeping or awake.

A few months ago we felt obliged to open our home to a homeless teen on a temporary basis. He was from a very troubled home but didn’t seem any more problematic than any other 17 year old American boy so things seemed okay.

One day Cheyenne and Minnie disappeared. I’m sure you can guess where this is going…. the boy was returned to his family that day.

We never saw our babies again. We had never let these precious pets outdoors without a leash and, no, they did not run off nor were they dognapped. I can’t continue this part of the story but now I’ve come full circle….to Scout.

Scout seems heaven sent. Two of my grandsons and I picked him out of about 20 dogs at the animal shelter on a Saturday and brought him home on Tuesday. The shelter had categorized him as a Jack Russell/Terrier mix but he’s 100% Jack to me! The first 24 hours I cried for Cheyenne and Minnie. But Scout won me over. His sweet nature and innate intelligence were just impossible to not recognize. I taught him to sit in the first few hours!

After a few days I noticed that, as Scout and I took our walks, he would pace himself to me gait. He looks back over his shoulder to see what I am doing and he slows down, speeds up and even stops when I do! He never pulls on the leash, if I stop to talk to a neighbor, he just sits down and waits! When we are inside he just curls up on my bed and sleeps. No hyper Jack is he!

So Scout is my new love, a reason for a joyous awakening every morning. I mean it is really hard not to love a being who loves you so much, am I right? I am so grateful.

Too indecisive

I am so indecisive it drives me crazy! At least I think it drives me crazy….

For example, when I’m driving I might know 6 different routes to my destination but I just can’t make up my mind which to use. After all there are many things to consider in a situation like this, time of day, traffic conditions and even the weather!  If there is anyone else in the car – BIG TROUBLE – I just might have to pull over to call for a quorum. My experience has been that passengers will give their opinions whether you ask or not and this will increase my weak will exponentially.

There is nothing worse for an indecisive person than shopping. My daughter hates to shop with me because I will practically camp out in the peanut butter section trying to decide between crunchy and smooth, natural and regular, large or huge, Jif or…..ok, I always get Jif. But this is just the PEANUT BUTTER!

As you might imagine, if it is this hard to make seemingly inconsequential decisions, big decisions are a nightmare! I haven’t visited my sister in years and she only lives 90 miles away but this trip is fraught with large and small decisions. When to go? Is my car in good enough shape to make the trip? Can I afford to go? What route to take?

My Dad had 2 pieces of advice about decision making. First, if you do nothing you are still making a decision, but by default. Second, making a decision, even if it turns out to be a mistake, is always better than letting things just happen, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you took action.

Now, should I follow his advice or not?

Creativity/Talent

It would not be possible for me to overstate how I yearn for some (ANY) creative ability! As I grow older this desire seems to be getting stronger like the yearning of unrequited love.

What wondrous joy I would derive if I could put brush to canvas and create a beautiful painting! I’m not picky, I would be thrilled to be able to create a convincing pencil caricature, throw a pot or knit a sweater!

I know, it’s obvious, right? I CAN do any of those things, I just have to DO one! Pick one, any one. But I don’t just want to DO one; I want to do one beautifully! Ah, therein lies the rub!  I don’t just want the enjoyment of creating for my self I want some actual TALENT!  

I don’t want talent so that I can create works of art for attention or praise or money, I want the actual pleasure of creating something beautiful!  I mean creating is fun but it’s alot more fun if the result is beautiful!

I want TALENT! 

Ok, enough whining. I know I’m not going to be granted this wish. But I still have to decide what hobby I will invest in and get started. Time’s a wastin’! 

When I was young I took ballet and jazz and I was a pretty talented dancer. Listening to music and moving around is fun and healthy but I wouldn’t really consider it as a creative outlet now.  I used to make beaded jewelry and my work was pretty good, I was even in a craft show and sold some of my creations. That was a very gratifying experience all the way around!

I still have some good years left but there are so many things I still want to do! I want to knit, paint, write poetry (not really!), crochet, learn to draw, make a quilt, throw a few pots, grow some beautiful flowers…..

You see? No talent but lots of enthusiasm! Where to start, where to start?

Watch “Historian of Fascism: Why Trump Firing FBI Director Comey Amid Russia Probe is So Worrisome” on YouTube

Please click on this link and try not to be frightened. 

The Inner Chatter

I have a huge cast of characters in my head who provide a constant running commentary in all life situations.   I have been told by many of my friends that they have the same experience so I am no longer as alarmed by the chatter as I used to be.  

Some of these voices are pretty negative, I have a judge, in charge of making pronouncements  about other people’s appearance and behavior;  a critic, different than a judge,  just basically in charge of bitching about everything in general, not to be confused with the whiner who whiiiiines about situations which are displeasing (which is, you know, every situation). 

Some of the committee seem a bit more positive, I have a philosopher, a dreamer, a politician, a healer and a few who want to be helpful, like the one who always says (as I drive by a woman with small children walking on the side of the road) “hey, let’s stop and give her a ride!”

Recently I watched a video by Eckhart Tolle in which he explains why being present is so important.   I’ve been studying the nature of Zen, Tao and the belief systems of some of the world’s religions and philosophies for several years and it must have been just the right moment for me because I thought “I GET IT!”  (I wonder what voice that was, oops, backsliding already!)

Suddenly it all made sense to me. What a relief!  My understanding is that most unhappiness stems from this chatter. No situation causes unpleasant emotions if not for these voices telling us why this person or situation is “making” us unhappy.  

Standing in line is just that, standing in line. Unless a voice is chattering “Boy , this is RIDICULOUS!  Why is that cashier so slow! Is she stupid or WHAT?! I have GOT to get home!” 

See?  It is our constant refusal to graciously accept reality that really causes our unhappiness! If we can become the unbiased OBSERVER rather than identifying with our commenters we can be much happier!  At least that is how I perceive it, and what else matters but perception?

WHA HOPPN?

It’s pretty sad, not to say pathetic,  when you just stop and take a breath one day and say “WHA HOPPN?” This is not the life I wanted!

What did I think was gonna hoppn? 

I thought I would go to college and marry a college- educated man. We would buy a starter home and have a starter baby and then our wonderful life would just unfold like magic!

We would live in an upper middle class neighborhood and have like-minded friends, you know, hambugers on the grill on Saturday nights, church on Sunday mornings.  Once in a while a nice cocktail party where we would listen to jazz and dance. 

We would have lots of nice babies but I wouldn’t have to go outside my home to work-OH NO! Of course, in my dream life I not only would not have to work but I would have “help”. 

My dream doesn’t do a lovely fade-out here, oh no!  I had a very lengthy and specific dream life. As we aged my husband and I would be very “comfortable ” (code for rich). Big weddings for the daughters and a nice financial set up for all our children. Then when my husband retired we would live in the mountains in the summer and at the seashore in winter.

In the fall all our children, spouses and our grandchildren would come for Thanksgiving.  Every season my home would have the look and feel of “Martha”. 

Christmas would be a huge, glittering, joyous season. A huge tree, lots of gorgeous, yummy food. Everyone would gather around the fireplace on Christmas Eve and my husband would read “Twas the Night….” to all.  

As our lives came to a close we would still be going to all our college football and basketball games.  Taking trips by ourselves or with extended family.

SO WHA HOPPN???

Maybe I’ll do a big reveal in my next blog…….

It’s Worse Than I Imagined (and that’s pretty bad!)

I was shocked when the latest prez started doing so well in the primaries. I was aghast that, no matter how stupid, arrogant, narcissistic, classless, racist, anti-Semitic,  and misogynistic he was, he became more and more popular.  I was apoplectic when the guy actually WON (questionably). 

Last week I saw a glimmer of hope. The man/boy has  begun to implode; to wit: NSA chief is fired/resigns due to allegations of being in touch with Russians before the election was even over, which, in Obama’s era, would be treason, Muslim travel ban executive order has been rescinded because it is clearly unconstitutional, and, among many other problems, the first solo press conference was an embarrassing joke (for HIM-I loved it!) The man simply cannot HELP himself. 

So, let’s review; SOME people in America actually wanted an immature, classless (among other things, see above) individual to represent their country, to sign executive orders, to keep our “enemies”( read Muslims and Mexicans) out, to connive with our traditional enemies to win the election.  A liar, thief, a very poor businessman while claiming to be a very successful one,  hmmmm I think he DOES represent the people who voted for him.  Too bad, those who follow blindly  soon become the most vulnerable. 

Watch “Election Week Cold Open – SNL” on YouTube

By far and away the most moving thing I’ve ever seen on SNL.  I couldn’t see the audience but the quiet said it all.  I believe  that Ms. McKinnon meant this to be a sad but reverent goodbye to a person who gave it all she had and more. I cried. 

If I could have a conversation with Hillary Clinton I believe I would find myself crying but, at the same time, offering solace, if she needed it. Crying for my own selfish reasons, crying for the rest of us who missed a great opportunity to have a great president. A president of whom we could be proud. I might even feel a little sad for the ones who have become so frightened and angry that, instead of voting for someone who would fight for all of us against a stacked congress, they voted for someone who played them. In turn now we’re all getting played.
You know what?  Now I’m firghtened. I believe our president is a crass opportunist, a rude selfish school boy and much, much worse. 

But this post is about one of the best openings I have ever seen on SNL!  It was poignant and bittersweet. The song is beautiful by itself but,  in Ms. McKinnon’s hands, it was used to express layers and layers of feelings from an ugly, sometimes shocking 2 years of political insanity.  I know we’re all glad it’s over. 

Before “LIVE FROM NEW YORK….IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!” the comedienne (as HRC) said “I’m not giving up and neither should you!”

A hopeful way to encourage us all.

Today

Today I hand washed 13 filthy socks belonging to a very active 7 year old boy. Actually I “foot washed” them a’ la’ Lucy and Ethel making wine.

Today I did not get a manicure.

Today I walked 2 dogs 6 times each and picked up 2 piles of poop by the back door.

Today I had no retail therapy.

Today I washed dishes 5 times (a sink full each time, REALLY!) Swept and mopped the kitchen floor and wiped up dog pee twice. We have a puppy and training is not going well.

BUT today I talked to all 3 of my grown children. And today my 7 year old grandson said, “thanks, Nan” when I handed him 13 clean socks.

I still wish I’d gotten a manicure.

PRETEND

Today I am pretending to be an actual “Blogger”.

I like to write. Ever since I can remember my mind has kept a running 3rd person narrative of what is happening to me, what I am doing and the events  happening around me.  “It was brisk as she walked her dog and the leaves crunched under her feet” for example.

Since this is always going on anyway I thought I would take advantage of it and write a blog. The reason I say I’m pretending is because I really have no idea what I am doing!

I got on WordPress and followed the step by step instructions and, voila, a blog! But it felt unnatural. I felt like an imposter! I am still full of doubts;  “who wants to read what YOU write, you’re really very presumptuous” I say to myself.

My blog is plain and simple, sometimes things I write are smart and humorous, my family tells me. I even like some of what I write and I’m proud of the courage I can sometimes muster to publish something I’ve written. 

I think to myself, this blog is pretty good! Then I start doubting  myself.  Ok, so I feel like I’m pretending, I’m going to be brave and publish it anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Practicing “Adulting”

A friend of mine has turned “adult” into a verb and I think its  great!  Now I use it all the time when I behave responsibly.  “I’m adulting” I say to myself proudly. 

A very important skill I did not learn  in my youth was to self-soothe. It has created huge problems for me and I think it has for alot of people. Now, at 63, with this realization, I am beginning a new stage in my life to learn self soothing techniques.  Lucky for me I find this quest to be a magical and sacred one.

I have attended services at the church of my youth because it is comforting and it fits in with my adult values;  inclusion, loving. And the music is just other wordly! So are the stained glass windows. I make no apologies. 

I am learning about Buddhism, mindfulness and practicing yoga.  This fall I will begin taking a course in Reiki. 

All of these things are bringing me back to the center of my true nature which is a good place to be, finally.  Isn’t this what adulting really is, after all?

It’s just too bad they don’t teach these things in school!